A fall and a play about being vulnerable

Last Saturday, Grady fell on the playground and lost a tooth. A long and involved story boils down to: I was watching him and feel completely responsible even though everyone says "These things happen."

I will write more about the ordeal later, but it reminded me why I wrote the play below which will be presented at the Berkeley Rep in an evening of staged readings through Playground on Monday, November 16 at 8 pm.

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The Safety of Pools

A baby whimpers in the dark – not hysterical, but close to crying. Lights rise on a crib. The lights and crying become more intense until… Lights snap off to:

Sara, bolt upright, gasping, speaking immediately. As she talks, she goes to the crib and calms the baby.

SARA
In the dark, your eyes open and you're not sure at what, but something, something, in the dark, like a thought, like a crinkling scrap of plastic working at itself in the corner of your mind – what is it? And then you know and you get up and stand at the side of your bed, and you walk through the dark dark hand on the mattress so as not to lose your way, so as not to smash your foot into the foot of the bed until you get to the end of the bed and the gap between you and the thing that's woken you, the thing that worries you, and you have to get to it, you have to and like an animal that doesn't know how far it is to jump from the edge of the ice to the edge of the ice you do it and there you are hovering over the side of the crib looking down to the sound of the most innocent thing in the world whimpering at invisible dreams in the black and you think, what in the world could be happening? What could such innocence be dreaming to whimper like that? And you bend down in the dark dark and put your lips close as you can to that soft ear and you Shhhhhhh, Shhhhhh baby boy. Shhhhhhh. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is.

Sara returns the baby to the crib as lights rise on David, behind an architect’s desk crowded with paper and a model of a dull looking set of low-rise buildings on it.

There is also a wooden box, slightly larger than a lunch box in the room, separate from anything else.

Wherever the dialog goes, they never forget there is a sleeping baby in the room.

DAVID
Hey. Everything alright?

SARA
Yeah. Yeah. You know. Just… How long have you been up?

DAVID
An hour. Maybe longer.

SARA
What time is it?

DAVID
Late.

SARA
You should’ve woken me.

DAVID
I was hoping he’d go back to sleep on his own.

SARA
We shouldn’t let him cry like that.

DAVID
You needed some sleep.

SARA
He was crying.

DAVID
He wasn’t in any pain.

SARA
That’s not what he sounds like.

DAVID
I’m right here. He’s right there.

SARA
How long was he…

DAVID
Not long. I couldn’t work if he’d been going too long. You know that. Would you like some coffee or tea?

SARA
No. Thanks. What are you doing?

DAVID
What am I always doing lately? This horrid project for the office.

SARA
Did they come up with any more money?

DAVID
Are you kidding? The state’s broke. And no-one cares about the people this project is for anyway. As far as they’re concerned, they’re animals.

SARA
Even animals deserve compassion.

DAVID
Well, these animals are dangerous, which, of course, is part of the problem. Because even if there’s only enough money for 9,000 beds in the state’s prison system, they still need 18,000 – and the laws of architecture and design can only go so far. I have until Monday to show them how far, but a cage is a cage is a cage, whatever side the animals are on.

SARA
Are you going away?

DAVID
I’m sorry. I have to present. I didn’t think to tell you because it’s a day trip so I’m not really gone gone. I’m driving to Sacramento. It’ll be a long day, but I’ll be back before midnight.

Beat.

SARA
I hate it here. It’s cold.

DAVID
It’s the time of year. The fog will go away eventually. The fall is supposed to be beautiful.

SARA
Maybe. But I’m not so sure the people will ever warm up.

DAVID
It takes a year anywhere to find your bearings. At least.

SARA
What if I don’t want to spend a year here? This morning I went to the playground with him. The mothers there were like knives. I thought they’d cut me if I got too close.

DAVID
Do you think you’re being a little defensive?

SARA
Maybe.

DAVID
Maybe?

She checks her breasts. She’s sore from breast feeding.

SARA
When he cries, I don’t know how you do it.

DAVID
Do what?

SARA
Ignore it.

DAVID
I don’t ignore it. And I couldn’t for long.

SARA
I can’t even for a second. Milk starts coming out of me like a fountain.

DAVID
It’s amazing.

SARA
Yeah, unless they’re your boobs. Then it’s crazy. And a little embarrassing when you’re at the store and people are looking at you funny and you don’t figure out why until you get back to the car and discover your shirt has two big wet circles on it.

DAVID
Are you pumping?

SARA
Oh, god. Of course I’m sore from pumping. I think I’m about to break the machine. But it’s not about how much I’m pumping. It’s biological. (beat) Don’t you miss LA at all?

DAVID
Sure I do. But we haven’t been gone long and I’m still getting used to here. Besides, you know why we’re not still there.

SARA
Maybe we should’ve stayed anyway.

The baby whimpers a little and she goes over to the crib and settles him a little.

SARA
What do you think he’s dreaming of when he does that?

DAVID
I don’t know. Maybe he’s not dreaming at all.

SARA
He seems to be dreaming of something. I just can’t figure out what. I mean, he’s only 4 months old.

DAVID
Maybe he’s dreaming of a giant boob coming out of the sky and smothering him.

SARA
Seriously.

DAVID
Hey, why not? Could make me whimper.

SARA
You’re such a shit.

DAVID
It’s nice to see you laugh.

SARA
It is nice to laugh. (beat – she eyes the wooden box) Listen, I uh… I bought something for us – or me, or us or… I don’t really know how to put it.

DAVID
(re: the box) Is that what that is? I haven’t looked, but I was wondering.

SARA
It’s not really a present. I’m not even sure I want it. But…

DAVID
We have everything we need, don’t we?

SARA
Yes, but…

DAVID
Was it expensive or something?

SARA
Not really. But I’ll take it back. I’ll take it back if… Well, you should just open it and see and you’ll understand.

Perplexed, he goes over, opens it, looks at her cooly.

DAVID
I see.

SARA
I told you I wasn’t completely sure and…

DAVID
I think I understand, but I’m not really sure what to say.

SARA
You’ve been away a lot and this place… (re: the box) It is safe.

DAVID
Is it?

SARA
According to statistics it’s safer than a pool in the backyard.

DAVID
Is that what statistics say?

SARA
It has a lock. And a safety. And there’s another lock for the box itself. I also bought lessons for it so we can learn how to use it. It’s not even loaded. (beat) I told you I would take it back.

DAVID
Where did you…

SARA
There’s a shop in town. A hunting fishing kind of place and I was walking by when…

DAVID
So you put it in the bottom of the stroller?

SARA
It’s not loaded. I didn’t even buy bullets. Like I said, if you feel -

DAVID
- Jesus Christ. Are you kidding me? It’s a gun, Sara. A GUN. How am I supposed to feel? You bring a thing like that… where our child sleeps without even, even… In the stroller. I mean, did you even think about that? Did you?

SARA
What do you think?

He turns away in disgust.

SARA
The only reason I did it this way was because, well, when we’ve been talking about things, when… You haven’t really been listening to what I’ve been saying and I thought if it was actually here, you’d have to… consider it.

DAVID
Well, consider it considered.

SARA
Do you really think I haven’t thought about it?

DAVID
Do you think I have to think about it?

SARA
I want you to.

DAVID
Oh, my god, I can’t even be… We have Obama stickers on our Prius. We hate Charlton Heston movies, even the good ones. I’ve alienated my card-carrying NRA, Fox Television watching brother at almost every family dinner we’ve ever been to together – and then some.

SARA
Seven months ago we were held up by a man with a knife on the street. In a good neighborhood. A good one. And they haven’t caught him yet, have they.

DAVID
I know but…

SARA
I know, but what?

DAVID
That was in LA. We moved, haven’t we?

SARA
That’s a job thing.

DAVID
Do you think that’s all it is? It was a random crime. It was in a good neighborhood.

SARA
Is this neighborhood a good neighborhood? I can see one of the things you’re designing from the window.

DAVID
Sara, you know the answer to that.

SARA
No, I don’t know the answer to that. And you’re not around like you were in LA.

DAVID
We need money.

SARA
Well, I can’t move away from how I’m feeling. (beat) Do you have any idea? How it is at stoplights? Looking twice at vans, jotting down license plate numbers in my mind? Or every time you put him in a stroller and go down to the store and take just even a little longer than I think you should? Or at night? When you’re working late and the fog comes in and all I hear is the traffic on the road below, strangers in cars doing god knows what. I turn on the TV but between the news and crime shows that’s no help. And then, even when you are here… I can’t help it. And don’t think I can’t see what’s happening in your dreams: your sudden gasps and jerking motions in sleep I know aren’t because you’re stressed at the office… And I can feel it in you. Random and irrational as it is, you know things are out there with teeth and claws and it was one thing when it was just us, me and you, but this isn’t about a bumper sticker on a car. Things are different in a different way and my body just wants to hold and protect him and…

She’s at the crib.

DAVID
Is it something you really think we need? That will really change what we can do for him?

SARA
I told you, I’d take it back if you wanted me to.

He goes over, puts his arms around her.

DAVID
Do you remember when we put him in the car seat to take him home from the hospital?

SARA
He looked like a space man in the back there.

DAVID
He still does.

SARA
I never felt so vulnerable in my whole life.

DAVID
It surprised me that feeling. I expected so many things, but not that one. No-one ever talked about that one. I keep thinking it will go away, over time it will just disappear and that if it does linger it will be something I can just live with… But it’s still here. Almost unbearable in its size, both good and bad and it has only gotten stronger. So at night when you think I’m being cruel and not going to him, milk may not come out of me, but other things happen. Instinctual things. Like the hair on the back of my neck and the muscles constricting in my shoulders, and suddenly I find myself peering under the bed even though I know nothing is there… What happened to us in LA when you were six months pregnant, it didn’t change everything. It just made something that was always true, apparent. And I don’t ever want that to go away. Does that make any sense?

SARA
Yes. Yes, it does.

DAVID
I’m sorry I haven’t made you feel like everything will be okay, but you have to trust that it is even if they won’t be. You just have to… (kisses her on the ear) Come to bed with me.

SARA
I will. In a moment.

He exits. She closes the box. As she exits, the child whimpers. She picks him up. Sways. Lights dim.

SARA
Shhhhh. Baby boy. Shhhh. Everything is going to be alright. Everything is.

Blackout.

The Aquarium

We went a few weeks back, during the seahorse exhibit.

Since the exhibit was about to close, it made me wonder where the creatures went when it was over. And what kind of transportation must have been necessary to move such fragile animals.

Grady now says, "Go, Tuna, Go!"

Visiting a Pumpkin Patch

Out off Clayton Road. We got there late in the day. He loved it. And so did we.

Altogether, we ended up with four pumpkins - one huge, one medium, one small and a white pumpkin, which we took pity on.

He slept Sunday night with the little pumpkin until quite late.

Times are good.

Towers and such.

The things that hold his interest are the things that hold the interest of all two year olds.

Sticks.

Blocks.

Benches you can jump off of.

Leaves you can drag your feet through.

Tire pump that "fix de weels".

Sometimes just for a minute. Other times, off and on for hours. So even when he's not building, he's building. And I realize, it's not just towers now, but towers that are reaching for things I can't see, never will see, toward his future. He's reaching out for it. Curious about it. But not worried about misusing it - which is too conscious, too adult-like.

It helps me remember, even as I stick the check for a $1000 in the envelope for his education fund, that he has his own foundation he's making and he's always trying to make it just a little taller than he can reach. And that is good.

A good thought.

I was reading a book called FEAKONOMICS today. The author asserted that Adam Smith thought people were basically good and generous. Then he proved it with a story about a guy who left bagels in company kitchens along with a donation box. According to the story, the man's friends, all economics experts, laughed at him and told him people would rob him blind. Certainly, some people stole bagels (ate them without making a donation) but far and away most paid.

This made me feel good about the world my son is growing up in.

Some day, he may ask...

...what was life like before me?

Me, I dreamt of making plays, movies and more. And, I can say, when he asks, it's still my life. Only now it's better because he's at the center of it.

What would your answer be?

He said.

Plip plop.

He said, I want to wear plip plop.

Then he put on his mother's flip flops.

Which are now plip plops.